A while back I posted about a habit of mine: watching horror movies in October. I binge. I splurge. I [insert verb here] as many horror movies as possible in the lead up to Halloween.

As we get closer and closer to October 31, I’ve noticed a trend on the intertubez. More and more bogs out there are posting the obligatory “Horror Movies You Should Watch Posts.” I did (can I get a FIRST?).

I figured I follow that particular post with a list of the movies I’ve actually watched this year. I’ll be updating the list as October goes on, with a brief review of the movies as well. I’ll try to be spoiler free, but I tend to babble. So, spoilers will probably abound. If that’s the kind of thing you don’t like you may want to skip this one…

A Different Gameplan

In past years I relied a lot on cable to provide me with my horror fix. I grew up with AMC’s “Monster Fest” broadcasting nearly wall to wall horror all month long. Turn on the TV and see somebody eviscerated in all their edited for TV glory.

But then I ran into a bit of a hiccup: my wife and I decided to get rid of cable/satellite and run solely with Netflix. With no other option, I’m at Netflix’s mercy as to which horror flicks I have access to.

It’s a bummer that favorites like Halloween aren’t available, but Netflix provides a whole host of horror that I may not have been exposed to otherwise.

Some of the new movies are good, some not so much. All I know is there is a lot of them…

Without further ado, I give you HORROR FEST ’14:

Horror Fest 2014

1. Goosebumps

Guilty secret: I LOVE this TV series. I didn’t give it much credit when it actually aired on TV, I had better things to do after school. But today? Oh. My. Gawd.

I like a little comedy/camp in my horror and Goosebumps has that market cornered. It’s just corny enough to temper the horror but not enoough to cause incessant eyerolls (I’m looking at you, The Haunting).

I was sick the first weekend in October, so I binge watched the first season. There are a couple of plot elements you’ll notice in just about every episode: the main characters are kids (remember who the books were written for), the main characters are in a new, unfamiliar place, the adults don’t believe the kids AT ALL, but there is usually a happy-ish ending followed by a twist that would shame M. Knight.

Overall Goosebumps is great. Don’t go in expecting *The Devil’s Rejects* levels of sadism and it’s truly enjoyable for adults, as well.

2. Hellraiser

I never really liked the first Hellraiser film. Something was just plain off about it. First, I grew up thinking Hellraiser IS Pinhead, much like Friday the 13th IS Jason Voorhees and A Nightmare On Elm Street IS Freddy Kreuger. Problem is Pinhead is hardly in the first film, and then he’s not even credited as “Pinhead.”

My opinion has softened a little over the years. I still don’t run to it as a holy icon of horror classicism, and I don’t find it particularly scary.

I mentioned in the post about horror in general that my favorites have a certain “feel” that I have a hard time nailing down. Well, this movie’s got it in spades.

Creepy old house. Flesh stealing zombies. Powerful ancient artifact. Unstoppable demons.

What’s not to love?

3. The Sacrament

I had never heard of The Sacrament before it popped up flipping through my Netflix categories. The cover image and the blurb gave a *Last Exorcism* vibe, so I decided to give it a chance. I have to say that after trying to find the best way to describe this movie I can give it a resounding:

meh.

SPOILERS

It’s found footage. Not a bad thing by any stretch, but at this point we’ve been sort of conditioned with what to expect from this type of film:

Long, slow build up. Let’s face it, the build ups in almost ALL found footage films are incredibly boring. Except for the occasional waving curtain in *Paranormal Activity* NOTHING generally happens in the first hour of found footage films. *The Sacrament* is no different.

Wicked fast twist ending. In 99% of found footage films things go from boring to HOLY SHIT in approximately 1.7 seconds. At this point I would say we’ve been so conditioned to being shocked at the end that we’re willing to endure the boring build up for the pay off at the end.

That’s what I thought about The Sacrament. Except it didn’t happen. Oh, sure, the long boring build up happened. And there was a climax, but not the OHMYGOD ending that we’ve gotten used to with this type of horror film.

Don’t get me wrong: it’s a good movie. I just went in expecting horror and found more of a mockumentary piece. It’s well done, it actually IS an interesting look at the idea of a religious convent, it just plain ISN’T horror.

If you’re going to try The Sacrament do yourself a favor and don’t expect to be scared. At all.

4. Evil Dead 2

The *Evil Dead* series is another one of my guilty pleasures. I haven’t had a chance to see the remake, yet, but the original 3 are absolute classics. The Evil Dead gave us the “abandoned cabin in the woods’’ horror trope, the second showed that it is ok to mix camp with true horror, and the third managed to shift gears to emphasize the camp while still being thoroughly entertaining.

I dig all of them.

Evil Dead 2 is not so much a true sequel as a reboot. There’s a whole long story behind WHY that is that I don’t want to get into here, just know that it IS ok to watch this movie without having first seen The Evil Dead.

And honestly, if you only have time for one I’d pick this sequel over the first. Bring on the flames…

5. Paranormal Activity 4

I like Paranormal Activity. My wife does too. I think she still has nightmares about exploding kitchens…

This entry in the series, however, met with a resounding `meh.’ Maybe it was the fact that we have a baby now and had to watch this one between nap times, but it all seemed like it had been done before.

There were some (very, very few) of the cheap jump out scares that are the hallmark of the previous movies in the series. I’d go out on a limb and say it could actually use a few more cheap thrills to liven it up a bit.

There is a neat, new trick involving the infrared grid from an xBox Kinect, but even that was underdone. I know these movies thrive on subtle tension building around cheap thrills, but every once in a while they should actually show me something scary to build the tension. There just wasn’t enough weird shit happening to raise my neck hairs like the first movies.

On top of all that, the ending felt like a COMPLETE repeat of Paranormal Activity 3. The OHMYGOD twist just felt tired.

I heard Paranormal Activity 5 has been greenlit. The same article said that the creator has an end game in mind, but that it would take “several’’ more outings to complete. Hopefully they can come up with something a little more interesting than Paranormal Activity 4 in the interim.

6. The House On Haunted Hill

There’s not a lot to say about this one. It’s a classic and one of my absolute favorites. I can’t be unbiased, at this point I would watch it if it was the shittiest movie on earth.

There are a couple of reasons I like this movie. The first is the atmosphere. Even though the movie is old, there is a real feeling of terror, an expert buildup of tension.

It’s well written, well acted, well shot. All of that makes it a horror classic.

7. Carrie (2013)

My wife hadn’t seen Carrie. Netflix happened to have both the original and the remake (I also notice they have The Rage: Carrie 2, but I’m almost scared to give that one a try). Since she hadn’t seen any incarnation of Carrie I decided to give her the choice between old or new.

She chose the remake and I have to say, it was a good choice.

It’s tough for me to evaluate on its own, because this movie is pretty damn faithful to the original. Some of the dialogue and all of the special effects have been updated for modern technology, but this is a rare remake where the film makers didn’t mess with what already worked.

Carrie is bullied incessantly, with YouTube videos replacing weird songs. Carrie’s mom (played by a CREEPY Julianne Moore) is STILL terrifying, and we get even more of her this time. Some of the other characters have been massaged slightly; some characters are more “pure’’ good than they used to be, others are a helluva lot meaner than they used to be.

Actually, I looked around for other reviews after I watched the movie. That change in characterization for some of the supporting cast is mocked as one of the weak points of the film. Call me crazy, but I think this version is BETTER because of the changes they made in Sue and Chris.

Those two characters were my big beef with the original; it was hard for me to tell if they were being genuinely good or genuinely bad. Did Chris REALLY want to hurt Carrie? Was Sue REALLY looking out for her?

Emphasizing the character traits actually cleared up the ONE bitch I had about the original. And it’s not too often I’ll recommend a remake over an original.

8. The Craft

Another choice of my wife’s. Honestly, I don’t mind this movie, either. It’s one of those movies that I always used to stop and watch a few minutes of when I would come across it on cable.

I wouldn’t consider The Craft to be pure horror, but it’s definitely got the `feel.’ The scenes withe the witches are genuinely creepy and the scenes of overdramatized 90’s teen angst actually help cement some pathos for the characters.

But, at the same time, that angst helps to date the movie. As do some of the special effects.

Despite a couple of negatives this movie is still fun to watch once in a while. That once in a while is just getting further and further apart as it gets older…

Oh, and because I LOVE spotting actors in old, obscure roles…Mrs. Ben Stiller, Christine Taylor:


9. The Twilight Zone

I’ve been watching The Twilight Zone on and off since I noticed on Netflix. Most of the episodes are not horror, and there are actually quite a few happy endings. It’s hard to beat for overall creepy mood, production value, and the caliber of actors that the show attracted in the day.

The Twilight Zone is definitely a go to when I need a fix of that horror feel.

10. The Addams Family

Another new addition to Netflix, and I have to admit I had almost completely forgotten about it. It’s fun, campy, and atmospheric like the original show. The problem?

Addams Family Values is just an all around better film.

So much better, in fact, that when The Addams Family ended my wife was wondering of the cut out the summer camp scene. Yeah, it’s like that.

This isn’t a BAD movie, by any right. I had forgotten just how good it is. It’s juet been overshadowed by its sequel, a scenario that almost never happens.

If you haven’t seen the original lately I’d recommend giving it another look.

11. The Cabin In The Woods

This movie has been on Netflix for a while and I’ve been meaning to get around to it. The Cabin In The Woods has received a lot of hype on the intertubez. When a single movie makes that many people take notice I almost feel obligated to try it out.

I wasn’t disappointed. The movie is great, but there’s a problem: it’s not really horror.

The whole point of the movie is to make fun of horror movie tropes. Joss Whedon jumps in wholeheartedly, and for what it is it doesn’t disappoint.

Just don’t expect the ultimate experience in grueling terror (SWIDT?). Take it as a fun send up of every horror movie ever made and I can guarantee you’ll enjoy it.

12. Hellbound: Hellraiser 2

Hellbound: Hellraiser 2teaches a lesson that Hollywood would do well to remember. The movie takes place immediately following the events of the first film. It worked for perhaps the best horror sequel ever, Halloween 2, and it works just as well here. Mostly it saves the audience having to believe there’s a reason that an all new group of people would be put in exactly the same circumstance.

Hellraiser 2 maintains the atmosphere of the original, while giving a broader view of the Cenobites dimension.

It’s best to go into this one remembering that the horror is more surreal than OHMYGOD. I mean, the big bad is a giant, spinning dreidel. How physically scary can it be?

Still, this is a horror classic and well worth a watch. Just be sure to watch Hellraiser first.

13. Hellraiser 3: Hell on Earth

This one is on deck. I’m watching it slowly during baby naps and times when my wife isn’t around. Stay tuned for updates.

Welp, I finished it. I gotta say, I was thoroughly disappointed. I used to LOVE Hellraiser 3. One of my earliest TV memories is watching it like 4 dozen times the week it came to HBO. I was totally in love with it back then.

Unfortunately this movie doesn’t age well. At all. I can get over shitty early 90’s special effects, high wasted pants, and men with ponytails. What I can’t get over is the fact that this movie effectively shits all over the mythology established in the first two.

SPOILERS

The Cenobites are a race of extradimensional party animals, a group of (former) people that practice an extreme form of sadomasochism. The people that open the box and summon them are typically as depraved as they were in life, and so are tortured in eternity in extreme bondage experiments.

That’s the first two movies, at least.

Hellraiser 3? They’re demons. That is all.

I can deal with that. It’s tough, but overall it’s a minor rebrand. The REAL problem I have is with the NEW Cenobites that Pinhead creates throughout the film. One guy has a camera lens shoved through his eye socket. Another has two massive phallic looking pistons running sideways through his head.

The original Cenobites practiced as EXTREME form of scarification. If they were still actual living, breathing people they could have survived their injuries. Sure, it would’ve hurt like hell, but they would have survived.

There’s no way in hell you survive a camera being shoved through your head. And THAT’S my big beef with this movie. Extreme body modification is interesting. It’s like the writers completely missed the memo about what made them scary in the first place. They moved away from scary AND interesting to just trying to shock us without any of the flair.

Fail.

14. Toy Story of Terror!

Update 10/15: I opened this list with Goosebumps, do you really think I’d miss out on a Toy Story Halloweeen special? Really?

I liked it. It was definitely geared towards kids, the scares were kind of corny, but they handled corny in the way that only a movie about anthropomorphic toys can.

My favorite part? The gigantic Voltron/Transformers guy. Awesome!



15. It’s The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown!

Update 10/15: This was on after Toy Story of Terror!, so of course I had to stick around. What can I say? It’s a classic. If you’ve never seen it…what’s wrong with you?

16. Hellraiser Bloodline

Update 10/18: I’m making it a point to try and watch all the Hellraiser movies. I noticed they all popped into Netflix about a few weeks ago, so I’m going to give it a good college try…

Bloodline is the first Hellraiser movie I remember actually being released. The rest came out, originally, when I was too young to care. But Hellraiser 3 was one of my favorite movies at the time and I actually hadn’t seen 1 and 2 so I didn’t have them as a metric as to what the films were SUPPOSED to be.

All that said, I actually like Bloodline. I think it makes an overall better film than Hellraiser 3. It still feels kind of cheap and the acting isn’t Oscar caliber by ANY means, but I really enjoyed the story.

It sticks with the changes made in 3 in that the Cenobites are now demons instead of pleasure seekers and they have injuries that no person could freaking survive, but I love what it does to the mythos. It actually fleshes out the backstory in a way that makes me care.

I LOVE backstory, but I don’t want it shoved down my throat in the middle of a larger narrative. Call me crazy, but an entire movie devoted to backstory actually works for me.

And the best part is you can watch this one without ever having seen Hellraiser 3. That’s always a plus.

17. Hellraiser: Inferno

Update 10/19: First thoughts: Why do film makers have to slap us across the face with how evil someone is? OH LOOK! HE DOES COCAINE! HE MUST BE A HORRIBLE PERSON DESERVING OF ETERNAL TORMENT!

I am seriously questioning my desire to watch ALL of the Hellraiser movies. Oh, I finished this one. And I find myself wondering what the hell this train wreck has to do with Hellraiser…

There’s the eponymous puzzle box. But as far as I remember, no one actually opened the damn thing.

There’s Pinhead. He shows up for roughly 5 of the last 15 minutes.

There’s a bunch of twisted, faceless creatures tormenting some guy. Or at least I think they’re tormenting him. The level of acting coming out of the lead makes it kind of hard to tell.

And the ending. My God, the ending. First, the last 15 minutes of the movie are the ONLY part of the movie where anything remotely Hellraiser-esque happens. But the explanation for the previous hour and twenty minutes of crap is ALMOST the most incomprehensible bit of dialogue that I’ve ever heard. When THIS guy makes more sense, you’ve got a problem:




18. Hellraiser: Helllseeker

Update 10/25: Honestly, I thought this was a better film, overall, than Inferno. The camera work was better, the lighting brought back a creepy feel, and there was some genuinely creepy stuff going on.

Unfortunately, the main character has the emotional range of a pet rock. Seriously. The guy wears the same expression throughout the ENTIRE movie.

Scared shitless? Blank expression.

Making out with one of 3 hot chicks he’s cheating with? Blank expression.

Drowning in a sinking car? Blank expression.

The ONLY time the guy shows any actual emotion is when he gets a facefull of Pinhead’s hook chains. There’s a fair amount of screaming in agony, but then Pinhead lets him go and it’s right back to freaking deadpan.

On the topic of hook chains, this movie started a trend that I don’t think I like: they show the chains breaking through the walls. They bust out all over the place before hooking into anyone. I think it’s MUCH creepier when they chains come from nowhere. They may be going for realism with the whole breakout thing, but they lose points for creepiness.

One other redeeming factor: Ashley Lauraence returns as Kirsty. And she’s still badass.

If you have a to make a gun to the head decision about Inferno vs. Hellseeker, I’d recommend Hellseeker.

19. Hellraiser: Deader

Update 10/26: Let me get this out of the way first: I have a massive crush on Kari Wuhrer. I was an impressionable teen when she first showed up as Agent Tanya in her camo tank top…yeah. This is my first time seeing her in anything sans implants and I have to say, I think she looks better…

Anyway, my very first impression of this movie was to hate on the basis that “deader” is a stupid word. More dead. Most dead. Dead again. But after watching it I’ll give the stupid sounding title a pass. It does tie into the plot.

The plot. My God, the plot.

SPOILERS

Some eurotrash goth guy who, in an attempt to make him less goth (?) wears white all the time, is able to resurrect people that kill themselves willingly in offering to him.

The dude turns out to be a descendant of LeMarchand (I guess?) the creator of the first puzzle box. Somehow that gives him the resurrection power that hasn’t even been alluded to IN 6 FREAKING PREVIOUS MOVIES!!!

And really, that’s pretty much it for plot. I found myself finishing the movie with an overwhelming sense of meh. I didn’t feel any real conflict, I don’t understand why Kari Wuhrer’s character cares, I don’t understand why Pinhead is pissed at the guy.

It’s just underdone.

But, keeping in tradition with Hellseeker, there are now 500% more bewbs. Seriously, bewbs galore. Even Kari Wuhrer sans implants, however brief the scene may be.

Honestly, I LOVE the look of the movie (the bewbs aside). It has some very Hellraiser-worthy creepiness going on. I just can’t get over the writers’ inability to make me give a shit what happens…

Also, THE HOOK CHAINS DO NOT NEED TO BREAK OUT OF THE FREAKING WALLS!!!

20. Fright Night

Update 10/27: I wanted to watch a horror movie after the baby went to bed and my wife refuses to watch any of the Hellraiser sequels with me. Not out of fear, but because she watched about 20 minutes of Inferno and was completely turned off the series. It’s that good folks…

So I picked one of my absolute favorites and one that I was fairly certain wouldn’t give her nightmares: Fright Night.

I’m talking about the original, campy classic here. I only saw about 20 minutes of the remake and I’m pretty sure that’s all of it I’m ever going to watch…

But the original Fright Night is scary, campy fun. It’s not the purest horror film out there and it’s not supposed to be. Go into it expecting some old school schlocky horror and you won’t be disappointed.

21. Hellraiser: Hellworld

Update 10/29: I watched roughly half last night before I ran out of time. Honestly, I can’t see it getting any better so I figure I’d get started on the review…

Update 10/30: I finished it. God, I finished it. I feel as if I should post a disclaimer after re-reading yesterday’s rant…I swear in this review. A LOT. I tried to get through it while keeping it relatively PG, but I just couldn’t do it. It didn’t capture the essence of how I really feel and it didn’t sound like me. If you can’t handle the salty language I suggest skipping to the next review.

Hellworld is the Helllraiser franchise’s attempt at a meta horror film. The Box, the Cenobites, and all the evil in the previous films exists, supposedly, only in a video game.

A really shitty video game, considering the movie was made in 2005. Seriously, the thing looks like it’s running on Windows 3.1 machines every time it’s shown. We had better graphics than that in 2005, right?

Anywho, the players of the game, who are all somehow all soulless, depraved hedonists are invited to a sexy Hellraiser party. Sexiness and death ensue.

Well, death ensues, anyway. See, my single biggest problem with this movie so far is that it doesn’t know what the hell it’s trying to be. A sexy depravity party with fans of Hellraiser COULD be an interesting concept. Problem is there’s very little sexiness and even less depravity.

There is one scene of Superman (yes, Henry Cavill is in this movie) getting head in the middle of the party, but this is Hellraiser. PINHEAD CARVED UP HIS FACE AND DROVE PINS INTO HIS SKULL FOR PLEASURE! This is the best depravity we can come up with?

Luckily we get to see Superman take a meat hook to the back. And no, that’s not a spoiler. Sure it happens halfway through the movie, but it’s so freaking telegraphed in the very beginning that if you don’t see it coming, you’ve never seen a horror movie. Ever. It’s THAT bad.

The party takes place in some random, massive house in the middle of nowhere, supposedly designed by LeMarchand. Because toy makers are architects, obviously. But the house is ultimately a much, much larger problem for this movie…

On one hand we have a sexy rave going on. Then, out of nowhere, characters leave the party one by one and head off into this house to have creepy solo death scenes. Apparently the house is so huge that immediately upon leaving the main room you can no longer hear THE MASSIVE FUCKING RAVE, yet cozy enough that you can hear people screaming over THE MASSIVE FUCKING RAVE.

THAT, folks, is my major problem thus far with this movie. It can’t decide what it wants to be. Either commit to the depraved rave (SWIDT?), which could have some AWESOME Hellraiser moments, or commit to the spooky haunted house idea. Switching back and forth only cheapens both.

On the bright side, there is like 1000% more Pinhead in this movie than in any of the other direct to video sequels…

Updated 10/30: WHAT A FUCKING NIGHTMARE!

First, when the party goers arrive at the house they’re all given completely random cell phones apparently to call up some other random partygoer to hook up for some depraved sex acts. Immediately after receiving the cell phones, the friends call one another…and their names pop up on the caller ID. HOW DO NAMES GET PROGRAMMED INTO RANDOM FUCKING CELL PHONES?!

Second, the main character, who to this point has done nothing but run, scream, and look bitchy, comes out with a massive Buffy-esque roundhouse kick to finally get the survivors past their captor. REALLY?

Third, the big twist ending. The entire fucking movie was a hallucination. WHAT?! That is the single biggest copout of all time. EVERYTHING YOU JUST FUCKING SAW DIDN’T ACTUALLY HAPPEN! GAWD I CANNOT EXPRESS THE WORDS!!! I NEED TO FONG SOMEONE!!!1!11one

Fourth, during the reveal of the big twist the host, played by Lance Henrickson in the role of Lance Henrickson, just like every other shitty movie he’s ever been in, he goes into a monologue about how he orchestrated the groups’ hallucinations. He drugged them and buried them alive with a makeshift air hose to make sure they didn’t suffocate.

The monologue and/or the overall plan I don’t have a problem with, and my blood pressure is coming back down from my rant over the hallucination thing in general. So what’s my problem with this? During the monologue the big bad describes how each of the now dead teens actually died.

One girl clawed her throat out during her hallucination, one guy choked on his own vomit, and one died of fright. They were all buried alive when they died. The survivors are buried alive during the monologue. Everyone’s underground. The host/killer is messing with their head over speaker phone on the cell phones he tossed in the caskets with them.

HOW IN THE HOLY FUCK DOES HE KNOW HOW THEY DIED WHEN HE’S NOT EVEN THERE AND THEY’RE UNDERGROUND?!?!?!?!?!

/rant

22. Hellraiser: Revelations

Update 10/30: I need to preface this particular review with another, different disclaimer: this movie is an ashcan copy. If you’ve never heard that term and ashcan copy is a term that originated in comics to define a work that is intended for purely legal purposes, not for public consumption.

Revelations was produced because the rights to the Hellraiser franchise were about to expire and the Weinstein company had to do SOMETHING with the property to maintain the copyright. So they put out this piece of shit. The total production only took like 2 months, from script to opening night.

Production was so fast that Doug Bradley turned down the role of Pinhead. Given how shitty some of the previous of entries have been and the fact that he was still willing to do those should tell you something.

Thing is, Revelations isn’t really that bad.

It definitely feels rushed. There are a lot of cutaways in lieu of actual visual effects. The acting sucks, the story is thin, and the new Pinhead is annoying as all hell.

But this film marks a return to Hellraiser’s original mythology. The Cenobites are once again interdimensional pleasure seekers, the thing that made them interesting in the first place. They once again seek to experiment on the depraved individuals that open the box.

So yes, it’s a steaming pile of shit. But frankly the ONLY thing that makes it any worse than Hellworld is the lack of Doug Bradley. Throw him in there as Pinhead and this one would AT LEAST be on par with the other direct to DVD sequels.

Thanks for reading.